Emotional Rollercoaster
July 17th, 2008 4 Comments»Wordcount: 262
I feel like I’m at a crossroads and I have to choose which way to go. I don’t know if I am sticking this out for love or because I’m used to it. I don’t even know if I really know what love is. I used to think I did, but it’s become so distorted and ugly and I’m so confused most of the time anymore. It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone many years ago. I was talking to a friend about my ex and he had asked me what I loved about him. He wanted specifics. I couldn’t really give any specifics except for things from the past. You know, he used to… I couldn’t really come up with anything valid for the present time. My friend then asked me if I was in love with what he used to be, or what I wanted him to be.. and I dunno I guess it made me think. And I’m starting to feel that way now. Chris wasn’t always horrible, or bad, and there were some times when he really made me feel special, but after all the hurt it’s just hard to go back. I’ve put a wall up around myself again, and I am afraid to trust him and let him back in completely. I don’t know if I’m the problem or what..
Anyway, you know that old saying. Expect the worst and you won’t get disappointed. I don’t know though, even when I expect the worst, it still feels a bit disappointing.
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Thanks :)
I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. I don’t know you very long but I’ve talked to you often enough and I can see you’re really strong and are able to pull through anything. <3333
Hey thanks, Cetta. I’m okay now. I just have my moments of doubt and confusion. You know how it is.
*HUGS* hon. That’s a really hard thing to figure out, whether you’re there for love or there because you’re used to it. I don’t really understand love all that well, so it’s certainly hard to define or know. It’s natural to want to stick with what you have rather than being alone. But you have to do what’s right, once you know what that is. So kind of make a deal with yourself. You’re giving him this other chance after the problems you’ve had. Make a deal that if something happens again and you get hurt, that you’re done. Cause if you keep giving other chances it just becomes this sad cycle
Thanks for the advice Julie. Sometimes I feel like it’s already gotten to that sad “cycle”, but then other times I do know that I won’t stick around if it gets any worse. I know I’m not perfect though, and he does put up with alot from me too. I don’t know. I’m just so up and down these days.