Can’t Sleep
May 17th, 2008 8 Comments»Wordcount: 459
It’s 5 a.m. Why am I awake at this hour on a Saturday? Gah, I don’t know.. but I woke up a little while ago and I just can’t go back to sleep. Have you ever had thoughts just racing through your head.. like things you just can’t stop thinking about over and over, and they won’t go away? I’m so there right now. I feel like right now, in my life, even though it’s not overly bad or anything, that there could be so many improvements. All this time to think is driving me insane. What-ifs are swimming around in my head.. What if I had never met Chris..or fallen in love with him? Would I be happier right now? What if Grant were still alive? What if Heather were still alive? What if I had gone to college? What if I met someone who swept me off my feet? What if I felt loved? What if!!! I don’t know.. being bipolar is a bitch sometimes. It’s like you get these times when you are so “high” and you feel this fake sense of happiness or something, it’s like a euphoria kind of. Then you crash, and when you crash, it’s bad. Right now, I am kind of in between, but I could burst into tears at any given moment and not even really know why. It’s rather pathetic, actually.
It’s hard being this way because I have a problem really expressing myself. To anyone, not just on here. It’s not that I don’t have alot to say, it’s just that I don’t know how to say it exactly. I read some of my old posts on here sometimes, and I wonder how anyone can stand me. (Maybe they can’t, I don’t know.) I blog about all this crap that doesn’t even matter. I’m grazing the surface so to speak. I rarely get personal on here, and it feels like I have some sort of emotional detachment towards everyone and everything. I miss the old me. The me that could say how I felt, say anything. Wait, I think that’s all wrong. It’s not even that I can’t say how I feel. It’s that I don’t feel. I just don’t feel anything. I try to. I think I should keep trying though. I don’t like this. lol.
Well, whatever. How’s this for a random weird ass blog post? I could go on and on for days, but I don’t think I’m making a bit of sense. And who wants to sit here reading a bunch of mindless ramblings of a bipolar fruitcup who can’t really figure out the how to express herself? Emotional retardation FTW. :confused:
“Don’t wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don’t.” - Meredith Grey
Commenters: dawn, Julie, Sharv
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Thanks :)
*HUGS* I’m like you, too. I just don’t really understand my feelings, let alone be able to explain them in words. And sometimes all those confused feelings keep you up at night, like they did with you tonight. But it’s good that you’re getting it out, even if it’s not fully delving into your thoughts, on here. It’s a start. And don’t worry, I can stand you
It sometimes is hard, and I’m glad that I’m not alone and that someone understands me… if you know what I mean. I guess I find it amazing that people can actually stand me because most times I can’t stand myself. lol.
Trust me, you’re in no way alone. This happens to everyone every once in a while. Supposedly, it’s good for you to vent and think about these things sometimes. Try talking about it with your best friend maybe. And, don’t worry, no matter what you do, someone will always love you, k?
I mean, deep down I do realize that people do love me. It’s just feeling it that tends to be the problem. I guess it all has to do with some sort of self-loathing. I’m not sure exactly, but I know that it’s time to deal with the issues instead of just sugar coating life to make myself believe the delusions that everything is ok. You know?
Yeah, I understand that. You’re different than most people and I like that. Most people can only get by in life if it’s sugar-coated. Otherwise, it’s depression or suicide. It’s sad. Even though you may think that every once in a while, you need a harsh does of reality, never do it by telling yourself that nobody loves you. Love keeps everyone going.
I agree with you on that sugar coating life thing. I do get depressed sometimes, though, but I can deal with it. You’re right, though, love does keep everyone going. Giving love and receiving love both, you know?
hey lover. was wondering about that email i sent? every get it? if not..heres BASCIALLY what it said.
how do i change the hosts? what do i go to in my cpanel…i dont wanna mess anything up, lol.
sorry for holding you up@
Hey girl! I’ve gotta get your stuff switched over to the new server. When you get a chance, let’s make a date on MSN ok? Pick a time that you’ll be able to get on for a little while. It won’t take long, less than half n hour. Talk to ya soon.